10.31.2013
10.30.2013
***** Cancer Update: Utterly astounding. Only one person in my entire 62 years, just one, has had a desperate, desperate, desperate, desire to spend time with me, to get to know me.
***** Utterly astounding. Only one person in my entire 62 years, just one, has had a desperate, desperate, desperate, desire to spend time with me, to get to know me.
Do you know about whom I'm speaking? Do you know about who I am not speaking? I don't mean I'm Holding anyone off the list, rather that no one has been left off the potential list, persons who otherwise might be obvious choices.
I'm not speaking of any of my coworkers, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of any of my bosses, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of my biological children. Not speaking of my biological mother. I'm not speaking of my biological sisters. I'm not speaking of my brothers and sisters in law. I'm not speaking of the non biological family that literally have adjusted their own lives in major ways so that my life, my actual existence, would continue. I'm certainly not speaking of anyone in the so called church. I'm not speaking of anyone in the activist movement, including the few that I consider to be activists, and that may even consider me to be one.
Well, I just thought of one exception. My dog Ralf, truly,, and at some level that's probably very significant. But I'll not spend more time on it here. A college, early marriage companion. An extraordinary force of nature.
I'm not speaking of the one person that I know has loved me, and shaped me, more than any other life or the creator itself. My dad. I'm speaking of my dad. And though I will not explore it here, every aspect and more, including the implications, probably apply to him almost completely, and to no one else that he or I have ever known.
Me. I'm talking about me. The person that has desperately wanted to spend time with me, as much time as possible in each day,, to get to know me intimately, is me; no one else, at any time,.
Now, several things by way of reference.
I don't know how unusual it would be for a 62 year old man to have these perceptions, or woman, for that matter. My suspicion is that it is extremely rare that anyone in this society wants to spend much time with themselves at all, let alone massive amounts of time so that they know every relevant detail.
Some readers may be burning with the term narcissism at this point. But that is not what it is. Only in the last decade or so do I have any awareness at all of liking me. Any awareness before that I have is one of great dislike, great dissatisfaction, agony at my infinite shortfalls.
What has changed in the last 15 years? Not that these shortfalls had been healed! What I understand is that I am immensely of interest, beautiful, fascinating, of near infinite potential, of deadly shortfall; a project of infinite importance, of infinite potential to become what the world needs of me, of near total shortfall, and a project so absolutely in fixing himself that any other possible pursuit on earth tends to pale in its presence, for lack of interest complex in the detail challenge importance….
Now, this "me," that so doggedly has wanted to spend time with me, time at the expense of time I could spend getting to know others? No! No! No! No! But to me I was largely and uniquely available. And no one else wanted me to get to know them. Pretty much, ever.
The degree to which I've devoted massive decades to coming to know me, was that a preference over knowing others? No! No!.... But A. No one else cared to have me know them, and 2. As my own available Guinea pig, any time that I didn't have to get to know others, if I used that time effectively, I gained in my ability to use rare time with others more effectively.
Was my interest in knowing me, more especially, to know what was different and special about me? Absolutely not!!! Then, now, and forever, I perceive, I've learned, I understand, I've seen confirmed, that in everything from our DNA to our learned aspects of our nervous system, we are all 99.999% the same in our attributes. And that all important changes, differences, which tend to be the source of joy and suffering, are due to our ignorant, inept, clumsy handling of common features to make us mistakenly feel like alien beings from one another.
As I said at the onset, I've never had these thoughts before except an isolated fragment here or an isolated fragment there, but this is profoundly new for me within the last hour, and I'm immensely glad to have it. If there are a few that have known me for many many years, the few might find it interesting to know.
Will I be writing more on this subject? Will I be exploring this in some depth? Will this be my last writing in this domain. I have no idea.
Note: LOL. What I do know is that by Monday, 10 days of recovery from a massive, massive, massive operation will be behind me. That my veins are coursing with morphine: that more pain signals are being sent into me than I am paying attention to. Make no mistake, I have zero time, now more than ever, for idle chatter. I'm writing this because I am certain it is worth sharing. But that does not mean I am correct. And I owe it to anyone that has read this far to be reminded of what physically is going on with me.
Do you know about whom I'm speaking? Do you know about who I am not speaking? I don't mean I'm Holding anyone off the list, rather that no one has been left off the potential list, persons who otherwise might be obvious choices.
I'm not speaking of any of my coworkers, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of any of my bosses, not at any point in my career. I'm not speaking of my biological children. Not speaking of my biological mother. I'm not speaking of my biological sisters. I'm not speaking of my brothers and sisters in law. I'm not speaking of the non biological family that literally have adjusted their own lives in major ways so that my life, my actual existence, would continue. I'm certainly not speaking of anyone in the so called church. I'm not speaking of anyone in the activist movement, including the few that I consider to be activists, and that may even consider me to be one.
Well, I just thought of one exception. My dog Ralf, truly,, and at some level that's probably very significant. But I'll not spend more time on it here. A college, early marriage companion. An extraordinary force of nature.
I'm not speaking of the one person that I know has loved me, and shaped me, more than any other life or the creator itself. My dad. I'm speaking of my dad. And though I will not explore it here, every aspect and more, including the implications, probably apply to him almost completely, and to no one else that he or I have ever known.
Me. I'm talking about me. The person that has desperately wanted to spend time with me, as much time as possible in each day,, to get to know me intimately, is me; no one else, at any time,.
Now, several things by way of reference.
I don't know how unusual it would be for a 62 year old man to have these perceptions, or woman, for that matter. My suspicion is that it is extremely rare that anyone in this society wants to spend much time with themselves at all, let alone massive amounts of time so that they know every relevant detail.
Some readers may be burning with the term narcissism at this point. But that is not what it is. Only in the last decade or so do I have any awareness at all of liking me. Any awareness before that I have is one of great dislike, great dissatisfaction, agony at my infinite shortfalls.
What has changed in the last 15 years? Not that these shortfalls had been healed! What I understand is that I am immensely of interest, beautiful, fascinating, of near infinite potential, of deadly shortfall; a project of infinite importance, of infinite potential to become what the world needs of me, of near total shortfall, and a project so absolutely in fixing himself that any other possible pursuit on earth tends to pale in its presence, for lack of interest complex in the detail challenge importance….
Now, this "me," that so doggedly has wanted to spend time with me, time at the expense of time I could spend getting to know others? No! No! No! No! But to me I was largely and uniquely available. And no one else wanted me to get to know them. Pretty much, ever.
The degree to which I've devoted massive decades to coming to know me, was that a preference over knowing others? No! No!.... But A. No one else cared to have me know them, and 2. As my own available Guinea pig, any time that I didn't have to get to know others, if I used that time effectively, I gained in my ability to use rare time with others more effectively.
Was my interest in knowing me, more especially, to know what was different and special about me? Absolutely not!!! Then, now, and forever, I perceive, I've learned, I understand, I've seen confirmed, that in everything from our DNA to our learned aspects of our nervous system, we are all 99.999% the same in our attributes. And that all important changes, differences, which tend to be the source of joy and suffering, are due to our ignorant, inept, clumsy handling of common features to make us mistakenly feel like alien beings from one another.
As I said at the onset, I've never had these thoughts before except an isolated fragment here or an isolated fragment there, but this is profoundly new for me within the last hour, and I'm immensely glad to have it. If there are a few that have known me for many many years, the few might find it interesting to know.
Will I be writing more on this subject? Will I be exploring this in some depth? Will this be my last writing in this domain. I have no idea.
Note: LOL. What I do know is that by Monday, 10 days of recovery from a massive, massive, massive operation will be behind me. That my veins are coursing with morphine: that more pain signals are being sent into me than I am paying attention to. Make no mistake, I have zero time, now more than ever, for idle chatter. I'm writing this because I am certain it is worth sharing. But that does not mean I am correct. And I owe it to anyone that has read this far to be reminded of what physically is going on with me.
***** BUSH: Brownie, you make me feel like the most competent guy in the room. That’s a “Hell of a Job.” Thanks. // BARACK: Kathleen, you are obviously the world’s most quilified person for this impossible job. // Friends, is there anthing you don’t understand here?
***** BUSH: Brownie, you make me feel like the most competent guy in the room. That’s a “Hell of a Job.” Thanks. // BARACK: Kathleen, you are obviously the world’s most quilified person for this impossible job. // Friends, is there anything you don’t understand here?
***** pic. link. SEBELIUS DISMANTLES GOP. CSPAN. PLEASE SHARE. THIS IS STUNNING
***** pic. link. SEBELIUS DISMANTLES GOP. CSPAN. PLEASE SHARE. THIS IS STUNNING - http://www.c-span.org/Events/HHS-Secretary-Testifies-on-HealthCaregov-Enrollment-Issues/10737442357-1/
H.H.S. SIBELIUS. G.rotesque O.bscene P.redators. C-SPAN 10.29.13 ANY QUESTIONS?
***** pic. NOW. SHR. PLS. PLEASE SHARE. Thanks for all your good work. THIS IS STUNNING - http://www.c-span.org/Events/HHS-Secretary-Testifies-on-HealthCaregov-Enrollment-Issues/10737442357-1/
PLEASE SHARE. Thanks for all your good work. THIS IS STUNNING - http://www.c-span.org/Events/HHS-Secretary-Testifies-on-HealthCaregov-Enrollment-Issues/10737442357-1/
***** Loving - Sebelius has my Full Confidence. I'd have her on any team I've ever had any day. Stunningly Competent. G.reedy O.rgy of P.redators. Sebelius: "Hold me accountable for the debacle" of HealthCare.gov CBS News
PLEASE SHARE. Thanks for all your good work. THIS IS STUNNING - http://www.c-span.org/Events/HHS-Secretary-Testifies-on-HealthCaregov-Enrollment-Issues/10737442357-1/
Sebelius: "Hold me accountable for the debacle" of HealthCare.gov
| CBS News | - |
***** Loving - Sebelius has my Full Confidence. I'd have her on any team I've ever had any day. Stunningly Competent. G.reedy O.ffensive P.redators. Sebelius: "Hold me accountable for the debacle" of HealthCare.gov CBS News
10.29.2013
***** Cancer Update: Out of Cash - no cell phone - hospital problems. We'll see. I NEVER ask for donations for my work, except by DOING my work. It falls on deaf ears. Always has since I switched from making folks rich, or richer. Hmmmm.
Cancer Update: Out of Cash - no cell phone - hospital problems - no pain meds this weekend??? We'll see. I NEVER ask for donations for my work, except by DOING my work. AND BY GOD, I DO THAT, EVERY BREATH, FOR 15 YEARS NOW.
It falls on totally deaf ears. Always has since I switched from making folks rich, or richer, to bringing more joy and less suffering into the world. Hmmmm.
It is 100% wonderful, because it is so clear, and so clarifying. We have totally lost the ability to measure value except in terms of what others pay for it, or demand for it. (LOVING NEVER WAITS TO SEE, or it is not Loving.)
We've gone Value Blind - 100%. And it is my joy to rediscover value, and joyfully joyfully and repeatedly die for it, and thereby make our blindness potentially manifest. But probably not soon enough for me - I'll trip the trip wire, go over the edge. No matter. I've been on the edge soooooo many times - just inches away from the edge of the cliff that just a few bucks were required to survive, with it only to arrive from the Creator's Angel, just in the nick of time - well, it is too close tho the edge for too long now. Will it get me this time? It is only a matter if time. And that is good.
Maybe the cell phone. $27 bucks every 3 months only for emergencies. I never use it. I hate it, but doc's, depts, some won't use it.
One that is trying to arrange my meds for this weekend may be one. Without a refill, I'm naked. No, I'll not run in front of a bus, but the thought will occur to me, often over the course of the weekend, and later.
I NEVER MANIPULATE - too little, too weak, too late. BUT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME A MANIPULATION, IN THIS CASE, A LITMUS TEST, BY FINDING, FOLLOWING, LIVING OUT WHAT THE TRUTH NEEDS OF ME.
How useful to Truth and Visibility if I go without meds this weekend because the value of my work (and in Jesus' eyes my work IS MORE valuable THAN THAT OF A VERY FEW, ZERO CREDIT TO ME) is invisible.
I couldn't be more joyful, at peace of heart, for being used so creatively, so usefully, so cleverly.
It falls on totally deaf ears. Always has since I switched from making folks rich, or richer, to bringing more joy and less suffering into the world. Hmmmm.
It is 100% wonderful, because it is so clear, and so clarifying. We have totally lost the ability to measure value except in terms of what others pay for it, or demand for it. (LOVING NEVER WAITS TO SEE, or it is not Loving.)
We've gone Value Blind - 100%. And it is my joy to rediscover value, and joyfully joyfully and repeatedly die for it, and thereby make our blindness potentially manifest. But probably not soon enough for me - I'll trip the trip wire, go over the edge. No matter. I've been on the edge soooooo many times - just inches away from the edge of the cliff that just a few bucks were required to survive, with it only to arrive from the Creator's Angel, just in the nick of time - well, it is too close tho the edge for too long now. Will it get me this time? It is only a matter if time. And that is good.
Maybe the cell phone. $27 bucks every 3 months only for emergencies. I never use it. I hate it, but doc's, depts, some won't use it.
One that is trying to arrange my meds for this weekend may be one. Without a refill, I'm naked. No, I'll not run in front of a bus, but the thought will occur to me, often over the course of the weekend, and later.
I NEVER MANIPULATE - too little, too weak, too late. BUT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME A MANIPULATION, IN THIS CASE, A LITMUS TEST, BY FINDING, FOLLOWING, LIVING OUT WHAT THE TRUTH NEEDS OF ME.
How useful to Truth and Visibility if I go without meds this weekend because the value of my work (and in Jesus' eyes my work IS MORE valuable THAN THAT OF A VERY FEW, ZERO CREDIT TO ME) is invisible.
I couldn't be more joyful, at peace of heart, for being used so creatively, so usefully, so cleverly.
Cancer Update: My brush with Psychotic Break could oneday save my life, and that of others. Thank God.
I've never before come close to a 100% psychotic break, as I did upon awakening in the OR, Oct 18, my birthday.
But I have come closer than ever before, since then, one or two occasions, also drug induced.
My work is sooooooo isolated, so profoundly isolated, from folks that breathe, these last 15 years or so, because the Real Activists are mostly long dead - for decades and centuries, and 1000's of years. So, it is not my fault, but rather an affirmation, that I am so isolated -I'm willing and able to pay the price - living with the Real Activists in books, and my imagination.
But ooooooooohhhhh the danger. And in what extremely important, life and death, winner take all, is it not fraught with danger??????? Right.
But the Responsible, Master, Practitioner, works all the harder then to see and grasp what shreds of reality, and unreality, exist in the current time.
My encounter last week, and my encounters in dreams the other night, are very frightening to me, because of the harm I could play a role in happening to the worthiest among us. I must work to learn to see the impossible to see boundaries, every day, getting better every day, so if and when I am called to Lead, I do it from Reality.
But I have come closer than ever before, since then, one or two occasions, also drug induced.
My work is sooooooo isolated, so profoundly isolated, from folks that breathe, these last 15 years or so, because the Real Activists are mostly long dead - for decades and centuries, and 1000's of years. So, it is not my fault, but rather an affirmation, that I am so isolated -I'm willing and able to pay the price - living with the Real Activists in books, and my imagination.
But ooooooooohhhhh the danger. And in what extremely important, life and death, winner take all, is it not fraught with danger??????? Right.
But the Responsible, Master, Practitioner, works all the harder then to see and grasp what shreds of reality, and unreality, exist in the current time.
My encounter last week, and my encounters in dreams the other night, are very frightening to me, because of the harm I could play a role in happening to the worthiest among us. I must work to learn to see the impossible to see boundaries, every day, getting better every day, so if and when I am called to Lead, I do it from Reality.
Obamacare: More than 2 million people getting booted from existing health: 1/2 will pay less; current plans don't meet law minimums... CBS News
CBS News
Obamacare: More than 2 million people getting booted from existing health: 1/2 will pay less; current plans don't meet law minimums... CBS News
Obamacare: More than 2 million people getting booted from existing health: 1/2 will pay less; current plans don't meet law minimums... CBS News
pic. Distribution of Wealth 2010: Romney $21 million, 13.9% Tax; Schl Tchr $40 thou, 20% tax rate.
SAVE Social Security shared Being Liberal's photo.
pic. Distribution of Wealth 2010: Romney $21 million, 13.9% Tax; Schl Tchr $40 thou, 20% tax rate.
pic. 'Social Security does NOT increase our debt of deficit. Any Republican who insists on cutting Social Security because of debt is lying to you.
Go Left added a new photo.
pic. 'Social Security does NOT increase our debt of deficit. Any Republican who insists on cutting Social Security because of debt is lying to you.
![Sheep used for wool are CASTRATED without painkillers, tails CHOPPED off, & throats slit, just for a pair of UGG Australia boots, a wool sweater, or jacket: http://peta2.me/2gfu5
NOT OKAY.
SHARE if you DO NOT SUPPORT the wool industry!
[Photo: Jo-Anne McArthur/We Animals]](https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p320x320/1377528_10151953172680560_49732426_n.jpg)
10.28.2013
Cancer Update: Met with Primare Care Doc C - my Guardian Angel
* She expects I will be welcome in the infirmary for at least the 2 months of expected healing.
* She was able to hear the deep Truth if my Appreciation for she, and Doc Hwang, GUH, saving my life, which it seems they may have done. Deeply humble - her gratification is from the Solidarity with other humans - Christ-ian, Christ-like, Other-Centered.
* Every aspect of my recovery she seems to feel is normal, and proceeding well under the circumstances.
* Kindly added Zantac to my pre-meal regimen.
* Gave me advice on how to compensate when my primary pain meds fall short.
* Clarified that my Lovenox self-injection once daily needs to continue indefinitely - argh.
* Will write me scrpits for the Lovenox and for a 12 hour pain patch in addition to what I have.
Other:
Not a good or bad pain day. Much coma like dozing - appreciated for the pain abatement right now.
Doc C is surprised as I am that there is not obvious pattern yet as to my pain spikes, when, how long, why, whether meds will hit them or not..... :-( Oh well.
COULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE.
* She was able to hear the deep Truth if my Appreciation for she, and Doc Hwang, GUH, saving my life, which it seems they may have done. Deeply humble - her gratification is from the Solidarity with other humans - Christ-ian, Christ-like, Other-Centered.
* Every aspect of my recovery she seems to feel is normal, and proceeding well under the circumstances.
* Kindly added Zantac to my pre-meal regimen.
* Gave me advice on how to compensate when my primary pain meds fall short.
* Clarified that my Lovenox self-injection once daily needs to continue indefinitely - argh.
* Will write me scrpits for the Lovenox and for a 12 hour pain patch in addition to what I have.
Other:
Not a good or bad pain day. Much coma like dozing - appreciated for the pain abatement right now.
Doc C is surprised as I am that there is not obvious pattern yet as to my pain spikes, when, how long, why, whether meds will hit them or not..... :-( Oh well.
COULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH WORSE.
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