[Note: at great peril to my 'stuff' for the vigil, I am away in a library writing this note, leaving it unattended at a time of heightened police, city concern with another homeless guy in the area who made a nasty scene yesterday. So more than usual, please try to bear with the limitations of my writing, unreading of emails, etc. Hopefully by Friday or Monday I'll have a replacement power brick for my laptop and be more regular in my communication. ARGH. Also, spell check is not working on this machine.]
To those who might feel hurt, wounded by the video below:
* If you are reading this you may be among those that have done great kindnesses for me and my work. Nothing in this video discounts any such kindnesses even .00000000001%.
* It deeply astounds me that I don't understand the following, but I don't. But I DO know it exists, and that at least among one, who has been extraordinarily kind to me over the last 8 months, that it usually the source of major unintended distress, hurt, pain as a result of me.
Objectively, I think it is true, that more than anyone you know, or have ever known, that I appreciate, am grateful for, and passionately acknowledge each and every kindness by anyone, to anyone, in my field of view. I Live for Kindnesses, to spawn them, increase them, give them. It is Life, in my view - Giving Life - and not a nicety, but Life itself. It is entirely what I am about - my Purpose - my reason for being. When I do so, it is quite rare that anyone takes offense, criticizes me, objects, takes exception. And if they seem to take anything I say in this vein personally - I pretty religiously hasten to be clear - I am not complementing you. I am simply making an honest observation. None of us are to take credit for those positive things we may do, or the negative. We are all products of Creation, doing the best we know,' or something to that effect, because I understand this to be True, at my core.
What astounds me, and I feel like a fool for saying it, what astounds me is that when I make observations, also with passion, that one, or others, take as not positive, or rather, negative, they feel unreceptive! That maybe I shouldn't have said it, that I'm being 'judgemental,' unfair, mean, destructive.... Oh, I can cite chapter and verse the common 'wisdom' against saying that which can be construed as negative. But it still mystifies me how folks react. My oncologist told me I had cancer. I didn't take it personally. Now, she did NOT say it with great passion to me; though, if she really cared about me, and felt I was not 'hearing' what she was saying, there could have come a time when she might do so! Some of the most intellectually advanced folks I've encountered in the life I lead of advocacy, totally react in the way I've described, ending what had seemed like life-giving-to-society relationships with "Obviously you didn't mean the positive things you were saying;' or 'I can't understand how you can be so positive one moment, and negative the next.' Huh? I don't get it.
* If anything I am appallingly thorough in my regular communication, taking enormous care to know what I mean, and state it clearly. Including changes. So, if in one communication I say something positive, and in another something negative, IF THEY CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT, I'M GOING TO POINT THAT OUT, AND BE CLEAR ABOUT IT. I'm never lax in such crucial things. And to the distress of the few that haven't yet tuned me out, on issues I feel are crucial to humanity, most of which don't relate to my person, but some that are, such as the vid below, I share my mind, as clearly as I am able.
* The video IS, despite my other comments here to the contrary, in part (an unimportant part; I'm a big boy, I'll survive) an honest outcry of personal pain. Process wise, when someone who generally does not, cries out in pain, thereby potentially empowering others to help, it is VERY Dangerous, and NOT an act of kindness, or Friendship, Caring, to react in a way that punishes, or warns against, or discourages future acts being so personally honest.
* If of the few that have been kind to me, that have not yet tuned me out, of those, if some or all end things now, over the following video, I'm ok with that. Will it be agony for me? Yes. Will it hurt or cripple my work? Probably, to a degree. But what I share in this vid below, yes, what I express seems personal to me. But it isn't. It is an immediate example of why we are not averting Ecocide. I don't matter. Averting Ecocide, does.
Keeping in mind that of course I could be wrong in everything I've expressed here, and in the video, tho I'm not -
The reason we are not averting Ecocide for our kids and the next 200 billion kids, is NOT that we are without Hearts! It IS because we have set boundaries that WE TOTALLY DEEM 'REASONABLE' BOUNDARIES AROUND THOSE HEARTS! We convince ourselves, for all but those very few that are most dear to us, are most "Family,' to us, that it is it OK that we not treat others the same. That 'inconvieniences' that we would RUSH to suffer for our very dearest ones, it is OK to not do so for others! And who to say this is 'wrong,' or more to the point, DEADLY, ECOCIDAL??? Well, Jesus, for one. "Love the stranger, the foreigner, the Enemy - AS YOUR SELF." Does that make it correct, that Jesus said so!?!?!? No. But my Heart says it is, and in the quietest of moments, yours probably does too; at least, that is my guess. And, if it does not - don't walk, RUN from any engagement with me! It can only lead to pain for you. My oncologist is willing to offer me pain, sickness, discomfort, maybe agony even, but not as the end point, but as the gateway to Life! Me too.
If you have NOT viewed the following video, I highly recommend it to those who care more about where humanity is headed, than their own lives. To those who have seen it, or who are more squeamish, you may wish to skip to the final text below it.
vlog Relief! Death by Cancer it is! DEPRESSION GONE! AMEN!
01.30.13 Cancer Update: In the video above I mentioned that there was one last option I could see as maybe offering a prayer of 'housing' that would satisfy the hospitals liability requirements and, through massive contortions of my work needs, suffice to meet enough of my 200 billion kids needs, to allow the chemo to proceed. Well, barring what could be two show stoppers, but probably will be surmounted (Internet access, PHYSICALLY, my signal not reaching this room; and the prohibition of 2-3 'mental health' days for me to go to the library each week when not in treatment or recovering therefrom), it looks like this is a 'go.' To my credit, I explored it despite indications that it was a dead end - and, it may be a doorway, instead. Howard U Hosp and my oncologist have kindly re-established forward momentum for me to receive the tests and treatment. I will be firing off an email before returning to my stuff to A. Ascertain the 2 points I just mentioned as possible show-stoppers; and B. as my oncologist to please, take the most aggressive possible course of treatment. If I'm going to drain the resources away from our kids for this treatment, my time, and our money, I want to get this stuff, this cancer, NOW.
Sakihiwew. Loving.
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