***** details: The one thing my dad could not stan..
This morning on FB this comment from someone that has known me for many decades now:
[[[note: My dad died in a Phil area Hospital O.R. in the mid 80's. As I recall the events, I was a District Product Manger for an International computer co out of their district office in Syracuse, 70 million $ responsibility I had or so, covering the entire state shy of NYC itself. I recall just last minute learning of the multiple by-pass operation my dad was to have, in about 6 hours time - I was Honestly assured by whoever told me that it was an extremely low risk operation by one of the leading teams in the world. 90% odds of doing just fine. I was not concerned. But I went to the District manager and said, 'Jess, I have no idea what the policy is. If you need to fire me, you need to do that. No hard feelings. But I've just learned my dad is in hospital about to undergo a heart operation, in 6 hours, and if I leave this instant, and break all speed limits, I may see him before the operation. And I need to be there for my mom and dad. I'm going to go, now. Sorry. Do what whatever you need to do to me. I am not, not, going to be there for them. That would be impossible." And I sprinted out. I called the woman I was married to, she too wanted to go, she bundled up my one offspring at that time, I scooped them up, and incinerated the highways south to Philly. I ran in at the exact instant as he was on the gurney being wheeled into the OR. Somehow, I was allowed to see him. He was awake. I tear rolled down his cheek, to be so vulnerable, so out of his own control, this huge, brave, infinitely strong, independent, and courageous man, Infinitely Selfless man. I got to say into his eyes, "I love you dad," kissed him on his huge forehead, "I'll see you soon," which I totally expected to do. 8, 10, 12 hours... a Hellish eternity later, after hugely unforeseen complications for a devoted, internationally renown, surgical team that did everything in their power, and more, Heroic, Legend, to pull him thru - to their horror, he was gone. In the decades since, I've rarely thought of all this.]]]
This morning, from a friend on FB:
Maybe it's not my place to comment and perhaps these thoughts will be unwelcome. But as someone who was there and observed things first hand, with close and intense focus, I feel your comments about Dad's feelings of disappointment in you were misplaced. While I do understand your point -- and your humility and self reproach is noble -- allow me to observe that you were a devoted son and stood by him to the very end. In fact, you were the one member of the family that held him close -- physically and emotionally -- giving your unwavering support and accompanying him right to the edge of eternity. In fact, I'd venture to say that your eyes were the last thing he saw as he left this life. The comfort you gave him, this demonstration of fidelity to him, may have been the last conscious feeling he had on this planet. So we while we cannot know if he is aware of how your life since that time has redeemed his faith in you, we do know that in the end, of all his friends and family, you were the one that was there for him at his moment of greatest vulnerability. And nothing can alter the profound significance of that truth.
My comments in reply:
Wow friend. Wow.
What an overwhelmingly decent, kind, astute, profound, generous
observation to share. I have nothing to add or subtract. Thank you.
Thank you. Well done.
"I never know what I think until I read what I've written." Wm Faulkner. Me too.
After I read what I wrote about dad and me, a very emotional, cathartic writing, and a very emotional re-reading, a 2nd insight for me fell into place. The first, about where dad's infinite love for me came from, came about 10 mos ago when an old high school acquaintance who you would know said, 'you were the only person that made me feel like a respected human being,' or something to that effect. In my mystery of why dad didn't have me killed, in embarrassment, (somewhat metaphorical,) that was a lightening bolt. Dad was such a Good man, and yes, there was on occasion, deep, even profound, goodness in me. He would have seen that and valued that for the bit of the Divine that that was.
The 2nd insight came after I wrote that piece the other day. I'd just not thought of it before. He didn't raise me for him. He raised me for me. All he ever wanted was for me to be joyful, tho he never used that word. But that's all I can see in him - no exceptions. He just wanted me to be joyful, so what would have crushed most dad's by way of disappointment, was off at the periphery for him at best.
And a 3rd solidified after the writing, as well - dad was the most Chrsit-like person I've ever known, and Christ was unconditional Loving incarnate. Dad too.
And to somewhat restate, that is the 4th piece as well, and finally the puzzle may be at rest within me, he lived out of the place where all creative forces live out of - the Heart, the Soul, all other faculties being under the direction of this. And the Heart, the Soul, that piece of the Divine, is ONLY Unconditional Loving, Agape. It is nothing else. It can't do anything else.
ps: But you've given me #5, I see now. My devotion to him - .001% of what I wish I'd been able to show, but maybe a lot, compared to others, and perfect, within me - inside - I can recall no instant in my life when I didn't Idolize him, in which, I was Entirely correct, 100% correct. In this, I just feel less stupid, less blind, than anyone else. How couldn't everyone see how Divine he was? No, not perfect, but Divine. I don't know how not to see that, never did. So obvious. Doh, that would be the Divine in me - my Soul, Heart, that was sometimes at my forefront, and always at my core, because of Dad, and, because of Dad, because of Jesus, because I was able to See Jesus thru the lens of Agape, Loving, Soul, Heart - that so few of us ever really see - and living with dad, I was bathed in it.
You've done me a great Kindness and Service this morning friend. Thank you.
Thanks for the Hugely Generous and Important Gift friend.
[[Note: We had been sent home from the OR, the Hospital, to get some rest, oh, maybe midnight. Dad was still in the OR. We were in a local motel. I had directed that any calls come to me, not to my mom, in another room, so I could be the vehicle for support for her. We had the lights on in the room for hours. Waiting. My 2 year old (?) male offspring who adored my dad, and my dad adored him, all of a sudden was fully awake, looking straight into the air, beaming with joy and excitement, 'Bapa! Hi Bapa!.' Unmistakably, he was looking exactly at my dad. And then the phone rang. It was the surgeon. 'Your dad didn't make it. I'm so desperately sorry.']]
"I never know what I think until I read what I've written." Wm Faulkner. Me too.
After I read what I wrote about dad and me, a very emotional, cathartic writing, and a very emotional re-reading, a 2nd insight for me fell into place. The first, about where dad's infinite love for me came from, came about 10 mos ago when an old high school acquaintance who you would know said, 'you were the only person that made me feel like a respected human being,' or something to that effect. In my mystery of why dad didn't have me killed, in embarrassment, (somewhat metaphorical,) that was a lightening bolt. Dad was such a Good man, and yes, there was on occasion, deep, even profound, goodness in me. He would have seen that and valued that for the bit of the Divine that that was.
The 2nd insight came after I wrote that piece the other day. I'd just not thought of it before. He didn't raise me for him. He raised me for me. All he ever wanted was for me to be joyful, tho he never used that word. But that's all I can see in him - no exceptions. He just wanted me to be joyful, so what would have crushed most dad's by way of disappointment, was off at the periphery for him at best.
And a 3rd solidified after the writing, as well - dad was the most Chrsit-like person I've ever known, and Christ was unconditional Loving incarnate. Dad too.
And to somewhat restate, that is the 4th piece as well, and finally the puzzle may be at rest within me, he lived out of the place where all creative forces live out of - the Heart, the Soul, all other faculties being under the direction of this. And the Heart, the Soul, that piece of the Divine, is ONLY Unconditional Loving, Agape. It is nothing else. It can't do anything else.
ps: But you've given me #5, I see now. My devotion to him - .001% of what I wish I'd been able to show, but maybe a lot, compared to others, and perfect, within me - inside - I can recall no instant in my life when I didn't Idolize him, in which, I was Entirely correct, 100% correct. In this, I just feel less stupid, less blind, than anyone else. How couldn't everyone see how Divine he was? No, not perfect, but Divine. I don't know how not to see that, never did. So obvious. Doh, that would be the Divine in me - my Soul, Heart, that was sometimes at my forefront, and always at my core, because of Dad, and, because of Dad, because of Jesus, because I was able to See Jesus thru the lens of Agape, Loving, Soul, Heart - that so few of us ever really see - and living with dad, I was bathed in it.
You've done me a great Kindness and Service this morning friend. Thank you.
Thanks for the Hugely Generous and Important Gift friend.
[[Note: We had been sent home from the OR, the Hospital, to get some rest, oh, maybe midnight. Dad was still in the OR. We were in a local motel. I had directed that any calls come to me, not to my mom, in another room, so I could be the vehicle for support for her. We had the lights on in the room for hours. Waiting. My 2 year old (?) male offspring who adored my dad, and my dad adored him, all of a sudden was fully awake, looking straight into the air, beaming with joy and excitement, 'Bapa! Hi Bapa!.' Unmistakably, he was looking exactly at my dad. And then the phone rang. It was the surgeon. 'Your dad didn't make it. I'm so desperately sorry.']]
