Cancer update: Loving had a complete, total, 100%, psychotic break.

Cancer update: Loving had a complete, total, 100%, psychotic break.

There's no exaggeration in this.  There's no particular importance to this accept that as a career, ardent, passionate psychologist, it is profoundly useful to me that I had this learning experience.

It took me about a week to put together all the details.  I don't remember when I first heard information trickling out but I suspect it was a week ago Saturday, the first day following the operation.  In reasonably good spirits, but with a tinge of alarm, a very nice and competent Dr., a surgical assistant to the primary liver surgeon on my case, the head of the department, with good humor, but with a tinge of concern, he very briefly noted that I had been extremely confrontational in the OR, after the operation.

It would be interesting to reconstruct how I put it all together, over the following week, because for obvious reasons it was something they did not want to discuss further.  And I did not press the point.  But I do not feel up to a full reconstruction to you, so I'll go right to what is now clear to me happened.

And even as a recount this I find this a profoundly interesting insight into how our nervous System Works, and into of the exact stuff of what is a full psychotic break with reality.  A break such as that woman from Connecticut had, with her child in the back of the car, ramming into White House pylons, and then racing across town to get shot at Congress, because with zero question, Pr. Obama had her under surveillance.
In earlier times, whatever general guessing I have made as to such a psychological experience, such guessing is of no use compared to my actual experience this last week.

When I awoke in the OR, the following things were perfectly clear to me, though I never opened my eyes at any point.  Were my eyes bound?  I have no idea. Did I open and have zero recall of that? Zero registering???

The following was absolute certain fact to me:

1.  I was immensely upset because they had obviously, unmistakably, immediately aborted what was to be a 5 hour operation.  I knew this with certainty, because with zero clues, evidence, anything, to the contrary, my body was perfectly clear - I had been under anesthesia for less than 10 seconds.

2.  Oh I was not in the OR.  I was in the recovery room.  This was obvious, because in the OR I would not be being treated by such incompetent imbeciles.  Note: I recall what I said quite clearly and in no way did I Express any such derogatory sentiments (I pray).  But it was clear to me that these were inept trainees.

3.  My pain was an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10.  It was sheer agony.  The pain was in my back, not in my stomach.  On this item I was actually correct.

4.  My pain was due in large part to being ignorantly placed in an upright sitting position.  In point of fact I am a highly trained back care specialist.  This is true in the real world as well.  This excruciating pain was stemming from these inept trainees attempting to set me up with no support behind my pelvis.  I do not suspect I was able to touch any one during this break.  I suspect I was already under restraint, or placed there real quick.  But I know that I attempted to use my arms both to supply lower back support to my pelvis, and to stuff a pillow against my lower pelvis where I knew it would relieve the pain.

OK.  In the highly trained, relevantly trained, domain of my mind, I was absolutely correct in all this.  Really. Impeccable.

But in the real world of commonly observable facts, truth, I was dead wrong, completely wrong in everything I've just shared with you except for those several points where I've made note.

1.  I was absolutely in the OR, and not the recovery room.  Note, why I never opened my eyes and saw anything I have no idea.  Was I clenching against the pain?  Were my eyes bound?  Was I 'blind' even with my eyes open???

2.  The operation was not aborted, it went the full 5 hours that was planned, I believe.  Anesthesia is just amazing.  In my case, this time, it is as though they completely cut power to my nervous system, to my brain, and then instantly restored power when the operation was over.  Astonishing.

3.  Oh I have no information whatsoever that they were trying to set me up right.  Much more likely they were seeking my help in shifting to the gurney.  As best I can recall, within 120 seconds of this incident beginning they had put me completely out again, and I have no recollection after that, thank god.  That pain was too much.

4.  On November 10, as I recall, I meet with my liver surgeon for a checkup and the staples to be removed.  Oh, what fun.  If I feel that me asking the following question will not be destructive of our communication I intend to ask, why it was my back that was so extremely painful?  Do you hyper extend the back in some way so as to make the internal organs more exposed through the incision?  This would make perfect sense.  But in any case, why was my back in such extreme pain, and why for the next four or five days was my back always more sore than my belly?  Just curious.

So what did I learn about complete psychotic break?  That our brain has a mode, a switch if you will, that can be set for absolute certainty.  By virtue of this switch we can have absolutely necessary clarity, confidence, forceful assertion....  We'd be crippled without this.

What I have more personally experienced is how that switch, and the setting thereof, can be totally divorced from reality without the slightest clue that it has been incorrectly set; and worse, without the slightest interest in, or openness to, the possibility that it has been incorrectly set.  'Why waste time on the totally obvious?'  Argh.

At the most basic level I suspect that I have just clinically laid out 'psychotic break', as well as 'psychotic break' can be laid out.

Among the many reasons that I by my nature drive away who otherwise might be active Allies on the left, is because I refuse to close the door on any and every possibility for error which may exist.  Obviously I'm a person of action.  Obviously I'm a person of strong views.  But I am very deliberate and determined that I not with any breath close off entirely the possibility that I am incorrect.  Obviously this does not cripple me from acting.  It is burdensome in the sense that I am constantly seeking new information where others have moved on.  The creative greats throughout history have spoken of how such humility is absolutely necessary to the pursuit of truth.

I'm nothing but glad at having this experience.  I've learned a lot.  I'm told I hurt no one, except maybe myself, physically.  And this psychotic break was 100% do to the introduction of external chemicals, drugs.