The HOPE of Suffering Near Perfect Solitude, Ferocious Truth to one's Calling
A note from one of the less than 10 in my life that haven't totally fallen away, on facebook, this morning: Happy Birthday (it's this month). You ARE an inspiration.
My reply: You are extremely kind in saying this Craig. Thank you. By being who I am, more relentlessly every day, I repel almost everyone. This has always been true of me but it accelerates as my last vestiges of trying to be what the status quo wants of me, fall away. It always hurt, the isolation that resulted. Finally, I'm running toward it, not the isolation, but the Hope of being 100% what I'm supposed to be, what is needed of me. The way I thought of it this morning was, that I was born to be an important piece of a jig-saw puzzle, but I correctly sensed that by being that, I would NOT fit with so many other pieces, so I tried to contort myself away from being what I was born to be, what was needed of me, so I wouldn't suffer that massive isolation! But after 60 years of trying it this way, I now realize, 1. That self distortion, self mutilation HURTS, and 2. by self distorting, self mutilating, IF THERE ARE ONE, TWO, A FEW OTHER PUZZLE PIECES WITH WHOM I'M SUPPOSED TO FIT, I'M PREVENTING THAT, FOREVER! No more! I'll take my chances. I'll be what is needed of me, for itself, for my love of the Whole. But in doing so, when other 'pieces' more quickly than ever, realize I am NOT a Fit with them, and move away, I'm grateful, I'm happy, because I realize who and what I'm suppose to be is getting clearer, and therefore that if there are those for whom I'm a fit, it will be ever more possible, ever more easy for that potential fit to be seen, and for it to happen. Loving
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