In my youth I craved skiing. I almost always did so alone. With very little time on the slopes (I grew up in NJ!) I became very, very good. It was as though my entire being merged, or was trying to merge with the skis-boots-trails-mountains. It was day-long orgasm after day-long orgasm.... No, it was not specifically sexual in that sense, but it WAS that intense/overwhelming/awesome/excruciating/sacred. Pretty much.
Why did I ski alone? Hmmm. Well, it was not because I told others - GO AWAY! Oh, many moments/seconds I yearned so deeply for others to want to be with me in the experience.
Why did I ski alone? Because no one wanted to/could join me. Almost everyone else wanted to be with someone on the mountain. What I wanted was the reverse - I wanted to be with the mountain and have others experience that with me. No one else could imagine what I was experiencing - they couldn't see it for themselves; they couldn't see it in me. There were brief times when I was lonely, sometimes intensely lonely. But the loneliness never blurred the choice - or obscured the Pearl. No contest. Merging at the cellular level with the mountain - that always won out. Heavenly. Was God/Our Father/Humanity what I was merging with?
I wonder sometimes, idly, amusedly if anyone will be at my funeral (if there is one - CREMATION please, no plot!), whenever that happens in the next 50 years or so. My guess is, probably not. :-) Within any given week for this last month or so this realization comes to me - probably not. People don't stay with me, although they would say/perceive the reverse.
What I want to share this morning is - as absurd and contrary to how others would see it - I feel like my whole life I've been trying to be on or as close the "path" as I can. I've always been closer to the "path" than most. I really experience being ON the "path" now. Yes I am walking it ineptly. But I am walking it. IT IS HEAVEN.
What I want to share this morning is - COME ON IN, THE WATER IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But if you don't, I'm not coming out to be with you. The invitation will ALWAYS STAND, ALWAYS. I WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU, YEARN FOR YOU. But, if you won't come, I'm ok with that. Now, what I'll do is work as hard as I can to ENJOY the "path," THAT OTHERS MIGHT SEE. But if you don't choose to join, that is up to you. YES I CARE! I ACHE FOR YOU TO BE ON IT, AND WITH ME. But, if you don't, or, until you do, I'm staying in/on. This is a new sense of comfort for me. A new idea. I feel that everyway I can I've been an "invitation" and have spent great time and energy extending the invitation. I don't regret that, but I'm tired of doing it, and maybe it has been a disservice to you.
The Father of the prodigal son never left his estate. He stayed on the estate, building it, keeping it strong, maintianing the access roads so it would be ready! In God's time the son chose to return, and the Father was overjoyed!
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